romance done wrong
May. 12th, 2010 03:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
svollgaLast weekend, I had sort of new experience/discovery about romance and relationship and stuff.
A month ago, I met a guy at Week Against Homophobia. He was kind of nice, in 'have a chat and possibly a fuck' kind of nice. Living in another town, I haven't seen him since, though he called me a couple of time, to chat about lgbt-activism.
Then I come to Moscow again. He meets me at the train. We chat. He goes to the Slashcon with me. I run around a lot, because that's what Slashcon is for me - a lot of people I rarely see but am always glad to meet there, a lot of good exitement. The night goes on. Then, at the dance, he kisses me. I'm okay with kissing people, so I respond to check if he can be a good fuck (judging by the kiss, he isn't, not for me). Then he starts talking.
He talks about how he missed me, and how he wants to spend a lot of time with my, and how he thought about me every day, and that I'm leaving tomorrow forever. 'WTF', I think. 'You've seen me only once'. But well, things happen. And he compliments my intellect with exact quotes of things I've said a month ago. Though 'leaving forever' talk makes me nervous. But we are both drunk, so I let it go.
Then he offers to go for a walk. A romantic night walk. At night. In unknown neighbourhood. After I woke up at 5:30 and spent the last 6 hours in high heels and dancing my legs off. I explain that I am tired and can't walk at all and there's a car waiting for me in half an hour. You know what he does? He repeats his offer six times.
At this moment, I understand that it will never work out. Because he doen't hear me. He doesn't hear that I am tired. He doesn't hear that I have plans. He wants his idea of the night to play out. 'Fuk off', I think and leave to the car waiting for me.
Next day, he calls me several times but I'm too busy to answer. Then I receive a text message in which he offers me to stay for several days at his place. Though I've explained to him twice that I have to leave the next day because I have a deadline at work. When I call to finally bitch at him he says he doesn't remember me saying that. 'Fuck off', I think again. But being a polite girl, I phrase it in a more gentle way.
Now, it can be a casual event. But it was important for me. First, I've discovered how muchmy personal borders hardened and how much my self-confidence grew. A couple of years ago, I would be flattered to have this much attention and uncomfortable to decline his offers.
Second, I've discovered that I find it much more romantic when a person leaves all the movie gestures aside and just cares about me and my wishes. I can be pretty much egoistic, I know it, as mych as I was selfless before, especially while being infatuated with someone - but this is why I want the attention that is about me, not about some ideal someone pictures in their head and projects on me. I idealised and projected before. It never went well.
Also, I learned to tell people to fuck off. Politely. Usually I had to ask my never-husband to do it for me.
Oh, and I had one more personal revelation, absolutely unrelated: I stopped being shy about my body. I was wearing a skin-tight dress and never cared that someone can call me fat. That's... huge. Really.
Aside from that sour romance stuff, the weekend was really good. Dancing and people and a night outside of the sity, with wine and fod under open sky. Then people again, good friends, exiting talks.
A month ago, I met a guy at Week Against Homophobia. He was kind of nice, in 'have a chat and possibly a fuck' kind of nice. Living in another town, I haven't seen him since, though he called me a couple of time, to chat about lgbt-activism.
Then I come to Moscow again. He meets me at the train. We chat. He goes to the Slashcon with me. I run around a lot, because that's what Slashcon is for me - a lot of people I rarely see but am always glad to meet there, a lot of good exitement. The night goes on. Then, at the dance, he kisses me. I'm okay with kissing people, so I respond to check if he can be a good fuck (judging by the kiss, he isn't, not for me). Then he starts talking.
He talks about how he missed me, and how he wants to spend a lot of time with my, and how he thought about me every day, and that I'm leaving tomorrow forever. 'WTF', I think. 'You've seen me only once'. But well, things happen. And he compliments my intellect with exact quotes of things I've said a month ago. Though 'leaving forever' talk makes me nervous. But we are both drunk, so I let it go.
Then he offers to go for a walk. A romantic night walk. At night. In unknown neighbourhood. After I woke up at 5:30 and spent the last 6 hours in high heels and dancing my legs off. I explain that I am tired and can't walk at all and there's a car waiting for me in half an hour. You know what he does? He repeats his offer six times.
At this moment, I understand that it will never work out. Because he doen't hear me. He doesn't hear that I am tired. He doesn't hear that I have plans. He wants his idea of the night to play out. 'Fuk off', I think and leave to the car waiting for me.
Next day, he calls me several times but I'm too busy to answer. Then I receive a text message in which he offers me to stay for several days at his place. Though I've explained to him twice that I have to leave the next day because I have a deadline at work. When I call to finally bitch at him he says he doesn't remember me saying that. 'Fuck off', I think again. But being a polite girl, I phrase it in a more gentle way.
Now, it can be a casual event. But it was important for me. First, I've discovered how muchmy personal borders hardened and how much my self-confidence grew. A couple of years ago, I would be flattered to have this much attention and uncomfortable to decline his offers.
Second, I've discovered that I find it much more romantic when a person leaves all the movie gestures aside and just cares about me and my wishes. I can be pretty much egoistic, I know it, as mych as I was selfless before, especially while being infatuated with someone - but this is why I want the attention that is about me, not about some ideal someone pictures in their head and projects on me. I idealised and projected before. It never went well.
Also, I learned to tell people to fuck off. Politely. Usually I had to ask my never-husband to do it for me.
Oh, and I had one more personal revelation, absolutely unrelated: I stopped being shy about my body. I was wearing a skin-tight dress and never cared that someone can call me fat. That's... huge. Really.
Aside from that sour romance stuff, the weekend was really good. Dancing and people and a night outside of the sity, with wine and fod under open sky. Then people again, good friends, exiting talks.