svollga: (heel)
There's the thing: while I support the feminist agenda, I sometimes feel that some everyday things I do or don't do, I allow or don't allow to do for me, can't be quite correlated with it. Mostly the questions arise because of my own bigendered nature, and of genderqueer nature of my circle. A lot of genderqueer people in my circle, mostly female-bodied but leaning to male, try to affirm their maleness by conforming to male gender stereotypes. The stereotypes work like the code for gender: if you behave like a stereotypical man (generally an idealised chivalrious gentleman) than you are a man and are treated as such. If you behave as a woman (generally with a tint of an idealised lady or a vixen) than you are a woman and are treated as such. And if you claim you're a man but behave in any 'feminine' way - show your emotions, have tantrums, show weakness, ask for help - then you are lying. The situation is certainly influenced by the fact that we are all role-players to some extent, and it's easier for us to play the suitable role. (I went through several types of manly man roles and have even had relationships built on those roles.)
It's not as bad as it may seem. Generally, my circle is very comfortable to exist in because it accepts any personal quirks including specific gender variations. It's a safe space to be queer in, and a pretty much egalitarian, too, but it's tinted with the sort of medieval fantasy mentality when a woman is a lady to be cherished and honoured and marveled at, but being male or at least lean to maleness is somewhat better. Though being a woman gives you more leeway with behaviour and emotions. (Well, it's like in the 'real world', only better, actually. Easier and with less differencies and limits.)
It doesn't bother me much, but it does sometimes when I have a feeling that I'm not a feminist enough because I play this game, too. In my male phases, I think that I have to be a head of a household, to be reliable and calm and logical; in my female phases, I'm flirty and attract attention to my female beauty and have a leeway on irrationality and emotionality because I'm a woman. It feels natural, but at the same time, a bit suffocating. I don't know what I can do with it, and I'm not sure if I want to do anyhing, but I've been thinking about it lately, and decided to write it down.
svollga: (heel)
I'm sitting in the cafe, drinking coffee and smoking. My friend leaves for the bathroom. There are two men at the next table. One of them looks at me and says to me that I should stop smoking and start running. I say that's not his business. He says (and his friend joins in) that the nation is dying because there are no healthy women to give birth. I ask how is it my problem exactly, and what is his business with me again, and what the fuck, really. (I'm very angry at the moment because I was having a lovely time with a very good friend chatting about Criminal Minds and feminism and guess what? women's health, and I'm sort of unprepared for a stranger to talk to me like that.)
It ends up with me nearly telling them to shut the fuck up, and them eventually shutting up and leaving. I didn't say anything really rude because first, they are two big men twice my age and I am a small young female, and two, it's a cafe I frequent (the only one good cafe in a neighbourhood and one of the two in the entire town, and the coffee is of Ianto Jones's quality) and they probably frequent, too, and I don't want to have problems.

Now, how much is wrong in this situation?

1. What I do with my body is nobody's business.
2. Especially not the business of the strangers...
3. ...who were - guess what? - sporting beer bellies and smoking cheap cigarettes!
4. And especially not because of my own health, but the health of my potential babies.
5. Which I might or might not have, but it is, once again, nobody's business but mine.
6. And if I have them, it's not for the bloody 'nation', whatever it is.
7. Also, those strangers better not make assumptions about my health, habits, family status and plans for the future.
8. The fact that I have to tell them off sucks, but the fact that I have to be careful with it sucks even more, because I should not be afraid of telling off rude people in a peaceful public place, but I am.
9. Because they are male, stronger, and I doubt that anyone will come to my side in a conflict.

End of the venting. Shit happens. And the day was lovely except for this little episode.
svollga: (Default)
Black leather dress.
I now own a black leather skin-tight dress.
Oh, I love my reflection in the mirror.
Pity my high heels are over in Moscow. They would complete the look.

Random thoughts on clothing and feminism )


svollga: (Default)

December 2010

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